July 13, 2019

I guess it's over

I guess it's over
My shitty story

My girlfriend of about a year stops taking a prescribed medicine. She had taken this medicine for a while now and felt totally fine. Thinking it wasn't doing anything for her anymore and she felt great, she decided not to refill it.

That mistake started a long line of absolute shit and possibly ruined both out lives.

A month after she stopped taking her medicine she started feeling immense paranoia and anxiety. She always felt like she was being stalked or watched. The home she just moved Into, tapped. She bought 2 new cellphones believing they had both been tapped. Took down all the smoke detectors thinking they had cameras and microphones. She would walk by people at the store and see that they were on there phones and would instantly think they're sending out her location. A week after that she started hearing voices. Some familiar, some not. They would tell her things about herself, things about other people, or things that didn't even make sense. They would body shame her. They would tell lies. Saying she's being watched. That they're calling the police on her. It was bad.

This was happening in California. I had just taken a job out in Montana, with plans too move her out here once I got everything settled. A month into the job is when the events started happening. After her telling me all this I dropped everything to go back home and be with her. I felt sick to my stomach that this was happening to her and I wasn't there for her. No job was worth my family hurting like that.

I come back home and it's worse than I thought. So much worse. She was losing herself to these delusions. She would take them to be true in every light. A week after I got back I start looking for a job. Anything I could do so she wouldn't have to go to work (she was still going to work at this point). Browsing for jobs on my phone she says my phone is tapped, that they they told her everything I was hiding from her. She calls me a cheater, worthless trash, a piece of shit, and much worse. Words that I'd never heard her say to me. That shit stung. I tried to talk to her but everything I said, I was just a lying piece of shit to her. It was hard to deal with, but I decided too stay for her.

It was hard trying to find a job and juggle having to care for her. She was finally able to take time off work via her doctor. She couldn't drive by herself so I had to take her to her doctors, therapist, or iop class. She didn't have a lot of family.

She was always taking medicine. Everytime we say a psychiatrist, they would just prescribe her a different medicine because nothing seems too help or relieve her. She was probably taking 9 or 10 different medications a day. Some days she would end up in kidney pains, muscle tremors, dehydration, or any number of side effects from the medications.

When we finally saw a therapist, she emptied her guts out, but refused to believe she was hearing voices. She would never admit that. She was adamant about our phones and house being tapped. Her being stalked and so on. The doctors and therapists were of little help to us, but I thank them anyways. They're hard workers.

It was heart breaking to see it. Too see her fall apart before me. Too lose herself and I can't help her at all. I tried to be around as much as possible. She would have panic attacks when I was away for too long. The voices telling her I was cheating on her. They even created a fictional person to play that roll. They said I would make racist remarks about her ex or about her family. She said she could even hear them. And like I said before I couldn't defend myself against any of it. I was still just a liar.

It hurt so much. It still hurts so much too hear her say those things about me. The insults, the hate, the mental abuse. I couldn't yell at her. I knew it wasn't her saying that. She would rip my heart out and smash it on a daily basis. All I could do was pick it up and put it back in. Without going into detail, I don't have any family, she was all I had. Even still I didn't want to give up on her. I couldn't call myself a man if I just up and left her like this.

I couldn't give up.

A few weeks go by and things are seemingly getting better. She isn't verbally talking to the voices, she isn't anxious all the time, and the paranoia starts going down. Its really starting too look up.

We took a trip to her family house for the 4th of July weekend and it was amazing. We had such a great time. Everything seemed perfect. It was the first time in such a long time that I felt like I was part of a family again. I was so happy.

On the car ride home I could see it. Through the blank stares and emptiness in her eyes. I could see everything I didn't want to believe. Nothing changed, she wasn't getting better. She internalized everything and hid it from me. She was lying to me about the voices being gone, the paranoia. She said she couldn't trust me so she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Saying all we do is call her crazy when she wasn't. She I was turning her mom against her. Saying I was trying to ruin her family because I didn't have one. That hurt the most. It broke my heart.

A few days later she breaks up with me saying we're not the same as we used to be. We used to be as thick as thieves. We were best friends. She was everything to me. I couldn't understand what she was talking about. Everything she was throwing away. I couldn't understand it. She is living with her mom.

It only took a month for her to lose everything and herself. I don't see anything in her eyes. She used to be so happy. I was everything to her. She was always so happy to see me. She had a beautiful smile that I fell in love with. Now I never see it. I lost everything with her. The pain I feel isn't going away. I have dreams about her. Nightmares. I wake up crying because she's not next to me anymore. I feel so sick I couldn't help her. That nothing I did was good enough to save her. I put it on myself for her ending up this way, that I left her for some stupid job. I left her. She used to call me and tell me how much she misses me. To tell me how much she loved me. And that's gone. My family is gone. I just want the woman I fell in love with back.

I'm so drained. I've lost everything I have.

I'm going to call the national suicide prevention number tonight. Just to talk with someone.

If anyone is feeling suicidal please call this number. 1-800-273-8255 National suicide prevention hotline. They have a message service as well if can't talk it out.

If you're going through something similar or anything at all, my heart goes out to you. My Inbox is open for anyone that needs to talk.

Thanks if you took the time to read.

TL;DR girlfriend stops taking meds for depression and she develops schizophrenia. Loses herself and breaks apart a family. Don't stop taking a prescribed medicine just because you feel good. Please.

Edit: she was previously diagnosed with bipolar depression and was prescribed latuda for it.

She was not diagnosed with schizophrenia, but all her doctors we're leaning towards that.

Edit 2: I just got done talking with her mother. She went to the ER yesterday for severe dehydration.

She made mention that she has connections with higher powers so her mom wouldn't think she's crazy.

Edit 3: Sincerely thank you everybody for your kind words. They mean more than gold to me.

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